With the stroke of midnight now behind us, and billions of people criminally crafting their commitments and resolutions for the New Year, we composed a hit-list of 2022 goals all our own. So here lie a few of our go-to resolution types for heralding in the New Year. But … there’s a twist! Each one is approached from a Righteous Felon perspective. We always got an angle, see buster? So get out your rap sheet, place it next to ours, and let’s check where we have some crossover. Let’s examine our Righteous Resolutions for 2022!
1. Break into the Wild - Put an inflatable dummy of yourself into your office cubical so the boss doesn’t notice - you’re bouncin’ early for the outdoors! Constantly we at RF encourage our band of Righteous Pranksters to “get away with it.” That is, escape the daily grind, the hypnotizing toxicity of your mobile screen, the smog and the noise, and get into nature. Take a couple ounces of your favorite Felon camping, fishing, or on a day-hike through a nearby forest glen. Better yet, take up a sojourn in an old, abandoned cabin with rotting timbers while the mob gives up their search for you. We love wild places, which is why for every bag of RF you crack open and guzzle into your criminal core, we help protect North American lands, mountains, and water bodies through The Conservation Alliance
2. Give Someone a Second Chance - We’ve all got one written in scratch ’n’ sniff marker somewhere … a top-secret “Seek Revenge List.” But 2022 will be a year of digging deep and empathic forgiveness. From the milkman who brought you 1% instead of 2, to the car dealer who sold you a horse-drawn carriage draped in a sheet with a picture of a car on it, it’s time to forgive and forget, it’s all jerky under the bridge, you see. That’s why at RF we support second-chance employment. A program that rehabilitates ex-cons with the dignity of work, this is how the Jerky Cartel becomes the Righteous change that we see in the world. The new hires win, we win, and the community wins.
3. Support Your Local Dealer - While your old list of 2022 resolutions probably included reading X amount of books, let’s lower the bar to a realistic level, shall we? In 2022 we will finally leaves our dwellings behind and branch out into the local scene again. What better way to plot your course than by utilizing our forthcoming “Find Your Local Dealer” map? The state-of-the-art tool will help you find where, in your surrounding environs, you can get hooked up with a bag of powerfully potent, highly unlawful RF Jerky, by a member of our underground snack syndicate disguised as an innocuous retailer! Think that was a mouthful? Just wait ’til you try our jerky! More deets on the “Find Your Local Dealer” map to come. Our digital cartographers are hard at work! In the meantime, re-up your stash at our website.
4. Eat Outside the Box - Adventurous eating is as banal these days as breathing. In the early eighties, getting an American to suck down a piece of sashimi was a pretty big ask. Now, kids are lined up around the block for pickle ice cream and piña colada-infused seitan. Start brain-storming, suspects and coconspirators! What left-of-center seasoning, marinade, or rub would you like to see on a slab of dried, Black Angus beef? In 2021 Korean BBQ claimed victory of our March Meatness Tournament, defeating 15 other flavor competitors in the process. Thus, Seoul Survivor - RF’s latest R&D project - was born. In 2022, Seoul Survivor goes from limited-release to full-fledged flavor, and come March, 16 new flavors will enter the bracket to do battle for dominion over RF’s R&D kitchen. One flavor graduates to flagship status, another becomes a freshman. Trust the process.
5. Take Charge of Your Destiny - While we wish you luck in becoming a CEO of a megalithic Fortune 500 company, the chances are higher you become the Cartel Kingpin of Righteous Felon for a month. In fact, depending on how savvy you are, it’s not only possible to become the Kingpin of our Cartel, but highly probable. In 2021 we launched our Righteous Rewards program. After tallying points for purchases, leaving reviews, and spreading the gospel of RF to friends, you can swap those points for jerky, gifts, and RF swag. But the golden goose of the whole contest is this: the highest point-earner of each given month is crowned Kingpin of Righteous Felon! For an entire month you rule the Cartel. Meet our employees, get a few kickbacks from the kitchen, and take control of our social. Start hustlin’, little gangstas!
6. Be Virtuous to Thy Dog - Remember earlier when we asked you to steal away, relinquish yourself from the shackles of technology, work, and personal responsibility, and flee into nature? But wait, something critical is missing from the back seat of your Range Rover. You forgot Fido back out the house ... shocked face! That’s right it’s time for HOME ALONE 5: Dog Gone Dog! Ha-ha - just kidding! We know a pet-owner as thoughtful and responsible as you would never misplace your mutt. But seriously don’t steal that Home Alone 5 premise, it’s $$$$$. With your dog safely in the car and your trajectory set with miles of mountains and alpine forest for your wilderness getaway, make sure you have plenty of dog jerky ready in the fanny-pack. That’s correct, in case you haven’t heard, our friends under the RTZN umbrella, Wild Nature, make the finest dog jerky treats on the market. Lola, Henry, and Finn, RFHQ’s vigilant guard-dogs told us so. So throw your own quadruped a bone, and tap into your best furry friend’s Wild Nature in 2022!
7. The Big One: Health, Health, and More Health - After we go one-on-one with the dry month of January and try to reach Feb. 1st without raiding the liquor cabinet, it's time to transform that saggy lump of bread-dough you call "a body" into a musclebound killing machine! We recommend going KETO and zero-sugar, by implementing a high-protein diet with our performance-enhancing collection of South African Biltongs. These two ounce bags of bicep-building meat-snacks will have you looking like Superman in Clark Kent's clothing in no time at all! And for those of you with an oral fixation that can only be contained by sparking up? No sweat, Fowl Capone and Habanero Escobar are infamous chainsmokers themselves! But have we got the miracle cure for you. Try a pinch of Righteous Felon Jerky Chew to alleviate your cravings - it's criminally simple!
Now that you've read our screed of New Year's resolutions and 2022 life goals / aspirations, please, take this journey with us! Go for broke and tag Righteous Felon along the way via your social media machine! We wish you luck in your quest, and our unyielding, unlawful support. Best of luck in hitting each item on your list and HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM RIGHTEOUS FELON!
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