Last year Righteous Felon was a major hit. This year it becomes an annual tradition. No stocking or gift-giving holy day is complete without Righteous Felon Jerky, the lifeblood of the present-wrapping season, the stalwart pocket-steak you can always count on. Here we outline a half-dozen types of gift recipients that need a holiday dose of Righteous Felon Jerky, lest their yearly fix be unsatisfied! Here are our six stocking-stuffing profiles:
The Olympian – For musclemen and musclewomen alike, looking to chisel their bodies into tip-top condition through a fierce regimen of exercise and smart eating, wowee-zowee boy-o-boy, have we got the gift for you! Clocking in at 32g of protein per bag and ZERO sugar and carbs, RF biltongs are so delicious, it’s considered a crime to even call consuming them ‘dieting.’ This keto superfood brought to you by our contingent in South Africa — The Cape Town Connection – is your edible gateway to the 2022 bod you’ve always wanted. For every bite of Darth Garlic or Nelson ManDilla you cram down your feed-hole, the future holds glutes, abs, quads, pecks … heck, your elbows will be jacked. For the deluxe version of this iron-pumping mainstay, try our 6lb Keto Meat Box. Start the New Year Righteously, with your sworn dedication to getting fit by way of Righteous Felon Biltong!
The Hall Decker — Someone in the Felon-fam has to actually uncork the elbow grease and put Christmas together. All that tinsel-hanging and cannabutter cookie-baking can really get in the way of tearing open a two-ouncer of Ancho Villa or Maryland Monroe. Yet with such perspiration at hand, sustenance is of the essence! So which Felon is best for protein-packed festivity-fuel on-the-go? Say hello to Santa’s Little Helpers … Righteous Felon Meat-Sticks! While I’m partial to the Habanero flavor myself, Hickory and Bar-B-Que are no slouch themselves. Best of all, they make beautiful and edible Christmas tree ornaments. Watch your rice lights twinkle and glisten off of their sleek jerky casing! Lastly I have it on good authority that while not their intended use, a set of RF Meat-Sticks can double as lock-picks for your next breaking and entering job. Happy house-looting!
The Grateful Guzzler – We all know how it works. Throwing back eight or nine whiskies on the rocks is unbecoming, but if you dress it up, no one bats an eye! That’s where mixing agents like egg nog and mulled wine come in. They help society accept us for who we really are: excessive partiers … and if you’ve been watching the local news lately … wanted jerky traffickers. Takes one to know one! I like to pair my twelfth glass of nog with Righteous Felon’s terrible twosome of booze-infused jerkies. First up, we’ve got Bourbon Franklin. He’s the constitutional backbone of our culinary Cartel, brewed with the same whiskey that stains the pages of the Bill of Rights, and a musket powder’s measure of cinnamon and vanilla bean. Not a whiskey person like Old Uncle Thomas, passed out on the cot in the basement? RF has you covered! Our Imperial Stout-cured jerk known as Victorious B.I.G. is also for the spirited soul. Apprehend these intoxicating inmates while supplies last!
The Fancy-Pants – For the trend-setter of the family, we’ve got an unlawful collection of duds, threads, and swag. Our rogue’s gallery of gear is marked down this year, so clothing your loved ones in items that scream ‘Look at me, I’m an active participant in a global jerky trafficking racket!’ is easy as makin’ figgy pudding. But ho, ho, hold the phone! We’ve also got hats! RF hats, brimming with style and substance that transform their wearer into the most intellectual-looking suspect in the room. Did I mention each of these stylistic game-changers is available at a two turtle dove discount? Check the website for our latest deals. If clothing or headwear is your angle this season, these items are certainly in your gift-giving wheelhouse, or I guess perhaps, sleigh-house, depending on whether or not you are geographically situated in The North Pole.
The Cow Sympathizer – There’s always one in our midst. To the untrained eye, detecting the culprit is no easy task. Especially in an innocuous and innocent-looking Santa hat. But yes, the fact remains, cow lovers are among us, appearing interchangeable to normal, salt-of-the-Earth, beef eating folk. Picking them out is your first obstacle, but selecting their Righteous Felon Jerky gift is no obstacle at all! To appease those of the non-bovine consuming persuasion we have engineered a fix as old and classic as prohibition-era racketeering. His name is Fowl Capone. Light as a feather and with more rat-a-tat than a feisty tommy-gun, Capone is our turkey jerky with basil, pepper, and a squirt of lemon. After long last we have an alternative to our flagship beef jerkies, so therefore, let Fowl play be the crime of Christmas Day!
The Loyalist — For those of you who have been loyal to Righteous Felon since its bygone days in the early aughts, my guess is, you’re a no-frills jerky consuming machine. This holiday season you want the fresh-off-the-dehydrator flagships that built America’s 1st and only Jerky Cartel. You want your chestnuts roasted by the old-school classics. O.G. Hickory, Habanero Escobar, Baby Blues BBQ. These are the legends the Flavor Revolution was built on, the bleeding hearts in the cause for a higher caliber jerky. The holidays just ain’t the same without these Felons crashing the party. They’re the jerky equivalent of the three wise men. If there were a fourth, it would have to be Truffle-O Bill, the rich, decadent, and silky textured dark-horse of the Righteous bunch. So goes their creed: We four kings of unlawful times / Standard-bearers of Righteous crime / Tasteful leading, still proceeding / Guiding your tongues to light.
Give it up: you’ve got at least one friend pegged for each one of these gift-buying profiles. So where to begin? I always find the biggest, toughest-looking mug in the yard and get him his gift first. Then I work my way down until all that’s left is a partridge in a prison tree. At any rate, the race is on! Break outta here with your beef jerky gifts before it’s too late. Last year, our supply ran dry by mid-December. H A P P Y – H O L I D A Y S , Felon Fam!
Leave a comment